Sandwich Monday: Poppin' Pebbles, A Fruity Pebbles Spinoff

By Ian Chillag

Published February 3, 2014 at 2:38 PM EST

You say product description; I say warning label.

For years, makers of kids' cereals have been upping the ante to get kids interested: hiding a toy surprise inside, adding multicolored marshmallows, setting bear traps in the cereal aisle. Now Post, maker of the classic Flintstones-themed Fruity Pebbles, has created "Poppin' Pebbles," an explosive Pop Rocks-cereal mashup.

Miles: This is the only cereal on the market that fizzes and foams in your mouth. Well, this and Cinnamon Rabies Crunch.

Ian: The Flintstones weren't entirely unhealthy people. When you think about it, their car was basically like an early treadmill desk.

Robert: I fed these to my kids for breakfast just the other day. I'll find out how they liked them as soon as I regain custody.

Miles: I never thought they would create a cereal less healthful for you than Amyl Nitrate Popper Pebbles, but they've proved me wrong again.

Ian: These Poppin' Pebbles are great, but I like the ones with tetanus better — the Poppin' and Lockin' Pebbles.

Eva: Frugal cave parents buy the generic kind: "Multicolored Flakes That Go Boom In Your Mouth When You Eat Them."

Ian is suspicious of any weaponized cereal.

Miles: I'm confused. Are these just dried pieces of Fred and Wilma's daughter?

Eva: No wonder cavemen only lived to age 35.

Ian: One of the leading theories for why the dinosaurs went extinct is actually Pop Rocks & Coke.

Bamm-Bamm, all grown up, became Robert-Robert.

Robert: Maybe I ate these too fast, but is my stomach supposed to be the size of the Hindenburg now?

Ian: You understand why they needed exciting cereals when all prehistoric kids had to watch was Saturday Morning Cave Paintings.

Eva:Yeah, strict cave moms only bought these on special occasions. Like to celebrate not getting eaten by a tiger.

Miles: The only way this could be part of a complete breakfast is if the rest of the meal is a note telling you not to eat them.

Eva:I bet prehistoric dentists hate this stuff.

Miles: Yabba-dabba-don't.

[The verdict: a great (horrible) idea, but not well-executed. Actual fizzing and sizzling moments were rare. To get that real Pop Rocks feeling, you had to pick out the few green, fizzy pieces and eat them on their own.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!