Sandwich Monday: The Pizza Cake

By Peter Sagal,

Peter Sagal

Published September 29, 2014 at 3:05 PM EDT

I generally don't like cake, because it is too sweet, too bland in texture, and doesn't have enough pork products. So I was excited to see this recipe pop up on Buzzfeed. (UPDATE 10/21/2014:For those keeping score, it looks like So Good Blog rolled out this pizza cake recipe months earlier than Buzzfeed.)

I happened to have the main ingredients at hand — dough, sauce, pepperoni, cheese and existential despair, so I set to work. Turns out, it's a little more complicated than Buzzfeed made it seem. (And they call themselves journalists?) I couldn't find the right pan, and I didn't have enough dough to make the side crust, which I couldn't figure out how to line the pan with anyway. ... Well, the final result is below. It's less a cake than it is a bunch of pizzas that decided to stack together so as to be less of a target.

Miles: I'll take mine with a scoop of garlic bread ice cream.

Eva: I like that I'm able to eat six slices of pizza while still technically only eating one slice.

Peter: What do we have for dessert? Salad pie?

Pizza Cake is great for parents who want to get the birthday party they're hosting over with as soon as possible.

Ian: I like the concept of just stacking up food till it gets to my face, so I don't have to use utensils or move.

Eva: In the classic tale, the princess and the pizza, the princess couldn't feel the pepperoni under all the layers of pizza because she ate it.

Miles: The middle is so soft, I imagine this is what eating pizza is like for a baby bird.

Before taking his first bite, Ian once again experiences "pregret."

Ian: It's nice, because the top layer burns the roof of your mouth, and then the next layer comes up and burns it some more --

Miles: And then the next layer cauterizes the wound!

Mike realizes he's discovered the true meaning of cheesecake.

Eva: You can see all the layers of pizza time here — pizzsaurassic, pizzozoic, etc. Turns out my degree in pizzarchaeology wasn't a waste after all.

Miles: I'm excited to see Buzzfeed's newest list: 39 Outdoor Activities You Can't Partake In Because You Ate Pizza Cake.

[The verdict: It's not exactly (how much you like pizza) x (number of layers), but it's pretty fun. As Miles pointed out, you lose any crispiness of crust that you'd get in a conventional pizza, but the obscene amount of cheese you're eating makes you forget about that pretty quick.]

Pizza Cake broke Kelsie's fork. Unfortunately, the NPR Internship Program gives one plastic fork to each participant, to last the entirety of her internship.

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists atWait, Wait ... Don't Tell Me!