PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Coming up, it's Lightning Fill in the Blank. But first, it's the gamer where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can always click the contact us link on our website - that's waitwait.npr.org. You can find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows in Milwaukee, Wis., on April 14, Providence, R.I., our debut there, on May 12 and a return visit to Portland, Ore., for two shows, June 23 and 24. Also, check out our sister How To Do Everything podcast. This week - what Ted Cruz and a jar of mustard have in common.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I myself am intrigued and will probably listen. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.
SCOTT SUMMERS: Hi, this Scott...
SAGAL: Hi Scott.
SUMMERS: ...Summers, calling from Apex, N.C.
SAGAL: You're calling from Apex, N.C.
SUMMERS: That's right, the peak of good living.
SAGAL: I was about to say - I mean, Apex - the name Apex is a town - must have - it's a reputation to live up to. Are you in the top of something?
SUMMERS: It is the number-one place to live in America.
SAGAL: What is the mascot of the Apex, N.C., high school? The hypotenuses - what?
SUMMERS: (Laughter) We are the cougars.
SAGAL: Oh, that's dull.
(LAUGHTER)
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Yeah, but they mean it as in older women that are after...
(LAUGHTER)
SUMMERS: (Unintelligible).
POUNDSTONE: So...
SAGAL: Yeah.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Scott. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. Your job - fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks so you will be a winner. Ready to do this?
SUMMERS: Yup.
SAGAL: Here's your first limerick.
BILL KURTIS: Tea without sweets, say the bookies, spells imminent failure for rookies. An airlift, let's risk it, for we need our biscuits. Poor England has run out of...
SUMMERS: Cookies.
SAGAL: Yes, cookies.
KURTIS: It is.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Our British cousins are facing a cookie crisis or as they say in England a blimey biscuit [expletive]. Turns out that a factory that makes the delicious McVitie's biscuits has been destroyed by a flood, and so there's a biscuit shortage. It's true - cookies are being airlifted into the country to prevent riots and biscuit-related stabbings.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's becoming an international crisis. The people of Flint, Mich., are sending their packets of Oreos and tiny, tiny violins.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Here is your next limerick.
KURTIS: When you leave from our bar, you won't totter. It's a great place for taking your daughter. We got a great rap because there's 12 taps on tap. Our bar serves up nothing but...
SUMMERS: Water?
SAGAL: Water, yes.
KURTIS: Water.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: The new Water Bar of Minneapolis is the perfect place if you've ever wanted to drink all night at the bar, never get drunk and just have to run to the toilet all the time.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The Water Bar is, of course, a project intended to make people aware about their local water supply. And customers will be served by, quote, "water tenders," who are actually, quote, "environmental scientists, activists and artists" because they thought a bar that serves only water would not be annoying enough.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's really confusing to go out to the the Water Bar because at 2 am, everybody is still ugly.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Is it a real bar?
SAGAL: It is sort of an environmental awareness project.
MO ROCCA: Oh, that sounds kind of...
SAGAL: You go in and what they do is they say well, we have water from the Mississippi River and water from the Minnesota River and water from the Sac River. What would you like?
POUNDSTONE: Oh.
SAGAL: You learn about the various aquifers and water sources.
POUNDSTONE: I don't think I want any of that.
FAITH SALIE: Do they have a frequent customer punch-card? Like, every - you know, once you get 10 punches, you get a free catheter or something?
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: I was thinking once you get 10 punches, you get your name on a toilet.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right, very good, here is your last limerick.
KURTIS: MY IQ's up 'cause I ate a block of it. I spout facts and coherently talk of it. My brain goes real far 'cause I ate a dark bar. I'm smart 'cause I ate all my...
SUMMERS: Chocolate.
KURTIS: Chocolate...
SAGAL: Chocolate.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
KURTIS: ...You bet.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: There's nothing chocolate can't do. It reduces stroke. It staves off dementia. It protects your skin from the sun. It tastes delicious. And it can triple your size if you give it enough time.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now we've learned that it makes you smarter. A study found that people who ate chocolate once a week saw improvements in their memory and their abstract thinking. Researchers are not exactly sure why this is so. But the real question is can you eat so much chocolate you get smart enough to devise the cure for your own case of adult-onset diabetes?
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: You know, I gave up chocolate for Lent. And I have felt dumber - than usual.
ROCCA: We'll see you in the lightning round, what happens.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Scott do?
KURTIS: Scott got the trifecta - got 'em all right. Thanks Scott.
SAGAL: Well done, Scott.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: You are indeed the apex. Thank you so much for playing.
(APPLAUSE) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.