BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you everybody. Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: This week we are proving that 2016 was not as terrible as everyone else would have you believe. For example, how could you hate a year that had Paula Poundstone in it?
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: As proof here's a platter of Poundstone.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED BROADCAST)
SAGAL: Adam, this week the Iranian government outed an American spy who they say is working tirelessly to corrupt Iran's youth. Who is this master of espionage and disruption?
ADAM FELBER: SpongeBob SquarePants.
SAGAL: No, although he would be good at that. But this is - I'll give you - it is another television star, another very popular television star.
FELBER: Oh, it is.
FAITH SALIE: Much more attractive.
SAGAL: Yeah. She is a known ass-assin (ph).
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: Ass-assin - like a Kim Kardashian?
SAGAL: Like Kim Kardashian.
FELBER: Yes, I was thinking about that.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Oh, yes.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: According to a spokesman for the Revolutionary Guard in Iran, they believe that Kim Kardashian is a foreign agent working...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...With Instagram, seriously, to destabilize the country. It makes perfect sense because the best choice for an undercover spy is the most recognized human being in the world.
POUNDSTONE: Well, there is a Trojan-horse element to it, I think.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: And Lord knows she's destabilized our country.
SAGAL: That's true.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Now she's going to go wreck their country.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: They accuse Ms. Kardashian - and this is 100 percent true - of using glamorous selfies on Instagram to cause young people to abandon their religious principles.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: That's not - how many people have looked...
(LAUGHTER)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: That's kind of true 'cause I watch her TV show sometimes and think there is no God.
SAGAL: Exactly.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Paula?
POUNDSTONE: Yeah?
SAGAL: Paula, recently, thousands of people online rushed to order a brand-new sunscreen made by what popular brand?
POUNDSTONE: Oh, sunscreen made by - ooh.
SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. It's finger-licking cancer protection.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, oh, oh. Kentucky Fried Chicken?
SAGAL: Yes...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Has a sunscreen.
POUNDSTONE: They don't.
SAGAL: They do.
POUNDSTONE: They don't.
SAGAL: They do.
POUNDSTONE: It's just the grease from the chicken.
SAGAL: No.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: It's actual sunscreen - KFC brand, smells like chicken.
POUNDSTONE: That's ridiculous.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Sold out.
POUNDSTONE: The Colonel is on a spit in his grave.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: As of right now, the sunblock only comes up to 30 SPF. So don't stay out too long, or you'll be extra crispy.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Imagine beaches filled with sunbathers slathered in KFC sauce - safe from skin cancer and able to economically feed a family of four.
(LAUGHTER)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #2: I bet sharks like chicken, though.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That was a very good point. Paula, according to airline employees, a growing number of passengers' emotional-support animals are what?
POUNDSTONE: Snakes.
(LAUGHTER)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: It's a good answer.
SAGAL: I love the fact that airline employees had to point out to the rest of us that they're all snakes.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, that's not the problem.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: I've had enough of these m-f-in' emotional-support snakes...
(LAUGHTER)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: ...On this plane.
SAGAL: Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: So it's not what the animal is.
SAGAL: Not what the animal is - it's something about these emotional-support animals.
POUNDSTONE: They are not housebroken.
SAGAL: No, although that sometimes happens.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah. Nah, give me a hint, Peter.
SAGAL: Well, it's like, yeah, I know it's a milk cow. But look. It's wearing a vest that says working.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, they're just regular pets.
SAGAL: Yeah, they're fake.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: They're not actually emotional support.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: They're impersonators.
SAGAL: Yeah.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: They don't care about your emotions at all.
SAGAL: They really don't.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: There are a lot of things...
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: When that sheep says bah, it means it.
SAGAL: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: There are a lot of things that are not allowed on planes, guns, large bottles of shampoo and, soon, people who look Muslim-y.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But you can bring your pet onto an airplane for free if it is a certified service animal. Problem is, you know who certifies the service animals? Anybody at all. There's nobody actually in charge of that. It's just like the Protestant faith or the Democratic Party.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So people just buy a badge and a certificate online saying their regular old pet is an emotional support animal. And they walk onto the planes. So I get to take it. It's free. This is bad for airlines, bad for other travelers. It's especially bad for that one guy's emotional-support goldfish who died when the TSA made him pour out the water.
(LAUGHTER)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: Wow.
ROXANNE ROBERTS: Here's my question. Do you mind when someone brings a dog on? I've never - I find the animals usually much more pleasant than the other passengers.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: I enjoy the little dogs.
SAGAL: There have been incidents where people have brought, like, pigs onto a plane that have like run up and down the aisle and...
POUNDSTONE: When have you ever seen that?
SAGAL: I...
FELBER: Worst Sam Jackson movie ever.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: I've never seen - I fly more than anyone I know, and I have never seen a pig running up and down the aisle.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: That's a ridiculous story.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: Have there been studies, Peter? Have they done studies about that?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Science has determined that sometimes pigs go on planes.
POUNDSTONE: They do not go on planes.
FELBER: Somewhere backstage Peter's emotional support pig is crying (imitating oinking pig).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Excuse me. I have to go get Binky.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Come here, Binky (imitating oinking pig).
FELBER: The things she said about me.
POUNDSTONE: They said - wait, is there a weight limit on these emotional support animals?
SAGAL: I have no idea. I know that there are such things as emotional support miniature horses.
FELBER: Well, yeah.
SAGAL: One...
POUNDSTONE: That is ridiculous.
SAGAL: No. One - many - somebody brought one to one of our shows.
POUNDSTONE: No, they didn't.
SAGAL: They did.
POUNDSTONE: Oh, they never did. The person feels that people are staring at them, and they have a lot of anxiety so they carry around a miniature horse?
(LAUGHTER)
FELBER: She makes a good point.
SAGAL: Well, then at least they're staring at the horse, not at you, and you feel bad about it.
FELBER: That's right.
POUNDSTONE: Whatever happened to a soft piece of cloth?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: A small doll, perhaps.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
SAGAL: Worry beads. Adam, it's a Paula show.
(LAUGHTER)
POUNDSTONE: You know what? I know there's any number of panelists on this show, perhaps, you enjoy better, that would just let that stuff slide. But that's...
(LAUGHTER)
FELBER: That's not you.
POUNDSTONE: That's not who I am. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.
